Of Moose and Men

Show open: juggling and party-blower banter

The show opens with banter about an 'emergency entertainment kit': three lemons for juggling, a half-unicycle, a bowling pin, and cheap party blowers. The hosts riff on who would own such a kit and what the noisemakers are actually called. Light comedy warm-up before the first real topic.

Plan to tail the homeless panhandler

• Is it legal -- and is it right -- to tail a panhandler to check whether he is really homeless?
• Should a host ask a homeless panhandler for a 10% tithe?

A host describes a man who stands by the McDonald's by his house every day with a sign reading 'I'm a homeless vet. Need help,' changes clothes, and must go somewhere at night. He floats a plan to tail the man to expose him as a fraud, and the group debates whether that is ruthless, whether panhandling is legal, and whether the man should be prayed for instead. The bit spirals into jokes about demanding the man's tithe and sending an offering plate down to the homeless.

The Million Dollar Mall comedy bit

The group develops a comedy bit about buying the failing Southridge Mall and turning it into the 'Million Dollar Mall': visitors pay $20 entry while a total of one million dollars in vouchers is hidden around the building -- in ceiling balloons, toilet dispensers, hand dryers -- with games of chance throughout. They work through logistics: vouchers instead of cash to avoid robbery, payouts on prepaid debit cards, security, and night-vision cameras in the darkened Target. The bit includes a plan to sic a listener named Brett Rogers on making it happen.

Contact info and podcast subscription push

A host walks through the ways to contact the show: Skype screen name 'Des Moines Amplified' (no phone line), email at lifefromthepath.org addresses, the website, chat, and Facebook. He explains the RSS feed and iTunes subscription for the podcast audio, notes the feed does not yet include video, and says some listeners signed up over the weekend.

CafePress merchandise and sound-ministry fundraiser

The hosts talk through the new CafePress merchandise page: Life From The Path logos on boxers, mugs, a wall clock, and a Flip HD camera, each marked up $3 over base price. The $3 margin goes to Pathway Church's sound ministry to raise money for needed equipment. A host addresses a listener named Dave about whether he has seen the merch.

Sound-team back-sweat gag

Comedy tangent about how nobody wants to join the church sound team because a host sweats through the wireless microphone packs under the stage lights. The group riffs on projecting the sermon onto seats via osmosis and spraying it on chairs.

Homeless callbacks and the third-caller clock gag

The homeless-man tailing plan resurfaces; a host offers to borrow 'Daniel's' bicycle for the stakeout. The group invents a 'third caller' gag -- offering a free $35.99 wall clock to the third Skype caller despite having no phone line.

Cinnamon rolls and the Dave Funk site numbers

A brief aside about sending a clip to Holiday Inn Express for their cinnamon rolls. Then the group learns the previous week's show was posted on the Dave Funk website and drew eight full video views plus 45-50 partial views, joking that the partial viewers only watched the parts Dave Funk appeared in.

Election day and the third car loan gag

Election talk: 'tomorrow's a big day' for voting, and the group ribs the campaign types. Quick gag about someone receiving 'a third car loan' before the phone rings.

Skype caller Joel Kahn: exam grading and mall seed money

The show takes its first Skype call: a caller named Joel Kahn, calling from his phone, who just wanted to test Skype mobile. He explains he is heading out to grade AP math exams (cameras not allowed), and the hosts try to sell him a 3% partnership in the Million Dollar Mall for $2,000,000 plus a free wall clock. He declines and mentions Shark Tank as a better pitch venue.

Dan Hudson introduced as 'Velvet Crush'; the hip-phone plan

Speaker-0 introduces Dan Hudson on-air as 'Velvet Crush himself' and 'Dan, the old testament rocker Hudson.' The show then riffs on a host trying to convince his wife to let him get a 'hip phone,' being told 'the Lord has put you on a plan' -- and on a caller addressing Ben by name, noting the Lord speaks directly to his wife. The sound catching up with the video is also noted.

Emma's bunny crackers: 'God said I can have bunny crackers'

A host tells a story about his oldest daughter Emma, who claimed 'God said' she could have bunny crackers for breakfast, and later that God said she did not have to eat eggs for lunch -- until Amanda put the smack down. He is proud she speaks with such authority and concerned she is putting words in God's mouth. The hosts riff on children having a higher sensitivity to spiritual things.

Ghosts, demons, and familiar spirits

• Are ghosts real, and can a deceased relative become an angel?
• What would be the purpose or benefit for demons in impersonating dead relatives?

A long discussion on whether ghosts are real: the hosts' position is that apparitions of the dead are demonic, that 'grandpa Bob' cannot become an angel (angels are created messengers with specific purposes), and that consulting the dead violates Scripture. One host recounts a 40-day church-plant fast during which his five-year-old daughter said she saw a man in the house. A chat question asks what demons gain from impersonating dead relatives: the answer is to pull people away from God by degrees. Paraphrased support: 'apart from the body, be present with Christ' (2 Cor 5:8); a general Deuteronomy reference about the dead.

Psychics and alien life

• What is the biblical view of psychics and of people who claim to see or hear things?
• Could alien life exist, given that Christ died here?

The hosts take up whether believers should consult psychics: stay away, they say -- looking to the future and the dead clearly violates Scripture, and experiences people have are real but demonic in source. Sylvia Browne, Oprah, and Ghost Hunters are name-checked. On alien life: if all creation groans for Christ's return and everything was made here, any life elsewhere would not be eternal-soul life. A chat question -- 'does childish behavior bring you closer to God?' -- gets the joke answer 'brings you closer to time out.'

Asking hard questions of God; the Bible is not black-and-white

The hosts argue that no topic should be off-limits to bring to God: hiding questions is hiding from God, and everything -- ghosts included -- should be approached through Scripture, Christ, and prayer. They revisit an earlier 'black and white' discussion: the Bible guides fully but requires interpretation, so hard questions get taken to pastors and to God directly. One host addresses Ben by name in agreement.

Reading Matthew to a two-month-old; 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice'

• What does it mean that Jesus said 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice' twice?

A host tells of reading Matthew aloud to his two-month-old daughter and stumbling over a line Jesus repeats verbatim twice: 'I desire compassion, not sacrifice' (Matthew 9:13 and 12:7). They compare translations on-air -- KJV 'I will have mercy and not sacrifice,' NIV 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' NASB 'I desire compassion and not sacrifice,' NLT 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices' -- and discuss the meaning: not checklist religion and temple sacrifices but a merciful heart. The line becomes an on-air refrain, applied to the homeless man: 'don't harass that poor homeless vet. Show compassion.'

Faith healers, energy medicine, and chiropractors

• Is belief in faith healers, energy healing, acupuncture, or reflexology compatible with faith?

Relayed from the chat: is there a biblical issue with faith healers like Benny Hinn, energy healers, acupuncture, and reflexology? The hosts draw the line at where you put your faith: trusting something other than God for healing is the problem, but believing God designed the body with points that respond to pressure is not inherently ungodly. The talk extends to chiropractors and the 'gray area' of obsessive dependence on treatments, plus a principle against complaining ('do it without complaint').

Earwax candles, quackwatch, and garden bugs

The health talk turns comic: earwax candling (the chat's 'Olsen' points to quackwatch.org as debunking it), a plan to dare Pants to try one over Skype, and a host eating garden lettuce straight with ranch -- bugs included. Tales follow of swallowing a goldfish for a high-school vaudeville project.

The Revelation hand-on-fire story and live stunt

A host recounts his high-school world-religions project on the Book of Revelation: he laced his hand with hand sanitizer and held it over a candle while reading the tribulation part. The studio then attempts the stunt live on-air -- it burns instead of flashing off -- while the group discusses the terrible Ghost Rider movie. The bit runs into the wedding-DJ and Saint Joseph stories.

Wedding DJ story, Saint Joseph statue, and Olsen's vanilla dare

A host and Ben DJed a wedding at the 801 Grand Building, where free mouthwash in the bathroom upped the venue's swankiness -- until a guest sneered at the store brand. Comedy spins into a story about his wife trying to bury a Saint Joseph statue to sell their house, and callbacks daring Olsen to drink vanilla and Pants to try the earwax candle.

Burning the oil slick

A quick tangent on the big oil slick: why not just burn it off? The hosts muse that it might have worked at the start before the slick dispersed, though the toxins and authorization would have been issues.

Whiskey, the Red Onion, and the London semester story

Talk of whiskey and a bourbon party leads into a long story: a host's semester abroad in London through community college, where his future wife Amanda won the scholarship (he wrote both papers) and he paid $8,000 to go. They flew Mike and Jared out for a weekend; Mike's arm fell asleep for twelve hours off the plane. London highlights: the Red Onion restaurant's endless free hospitality, historic castles and cathedrals, and a rant about London's total lack of handicap accessibility versus America's excess -- down to handicap parking at Target.

Skype caller Jared: kids, airports, and Mormons

• A dad is alone in an airport with three young kids and no family bathroom -- what should he do when the kids need the restroom?

Caller Jared, in Delaware with three kids, poses his airport dilemma: two daughters (six and eight) need the bathroom, there is no family restroom -- the group votes for the men's room handicap stall. They revisit tailing the homeless man (Jared: tailing is fine; asking for his tithe is 'absolutely warranted'), joke about a reverse-mission homeless offering plate, and discuss Mormon missionaries -- inviting one on the show -- plus a Bible-college 'cult class' where a professor invited missionaries to speak.

Skype celebrity hunt

With the Skype directory open, the hosts hunt for celebrities to prank-call: John Bon Jovi, Yul Brynner (dead), John Goodman, Clint Howard, Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stallone, Gilbert Gottfried. They debate whether 'bastard' is sayable on-air, which prompts a look at the King James wording.

The KJV says 'bastard': Deuteronomy 23 and Zechariah 9:6

Prompted by the Skype hunt, the hosts look up 'bastard' in the King James Bible: Deuteronomy 23:2 ('a bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD... even to his tenth generation'), Deuteronomy 23:1 ('wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off'), and Zechariah 9:6 ('a bastard shall dwell in Ashdod'). They riff on how restrictive the old covenant purity rules were and mention Leviticus 17 as 'filled with all kinds of exciting stuff.'

Tower of Power's 'What Is Hip?' video takedown

Dedicated to Bill Conn: the hosts watched Tower of Power's live 'What Is Hip?' video and were disappointed -- five dudes who look like Tom Selleck and Weird Al Yankovic playing horns in flowery Magnum PI shirts was 'not hip at all.' A segue about the Robert Palmer music video and a scary-doll post office commercial follows.

Post office renamed for Iraq/Afghanistan veterans

The downtown post office was renamed the Veterans of Iraq/Afghanistan War Post Office. The hosts support the troops but roast the politics of it: save the letterhead money and give veterans better pensions instead.

Skype donkey hunt, Methuselah, and Rue McClanahan

The Skype directory hunt continues: 100+ people with the full name 'Donkey' (including one in Norwalk, Iowa and 'the love doctor one' in Whyalla, Australia), searches for Jesus and Nebuchadnezzar (none), a Perth 'donkey' who is not online, and a time-zone debate. Tangents: growing hair like Methuselah, a Keith Richards impression, and Rue McClanahan's recent death -- Maude, Golden Girls, and what Dan's era called 'getting active.'

Tambourines at church and Jesus' new guitar

• If Jesus wanted a new guitar, what brand would he get -- is a Taylor worth it?

The hosts imagine tambourine dancers in the church auditorium, then ask what brand of guitar Jesus would want: a Taylor, though the quality may have cheapened since they sell at Best Buy. Talk of 0% Best Buy financing tees up the money segment.

Dave Ramsey, car leases, and debt freedom

A long money segment: a host's painful car lease (over mileage, turn-in fees, cumulative payments for a car they must give back), the Dave Ramsey program ('live like no one else so you can live like no one else'), four-walls budgeting that kept food on the table, and the liberating feeling of paying off a car and a credit card. The hosts defend Ramsey getting rich off the program ('he's educating people'), roast 'free advice' like maxing cards for perks, and note the spender/saver marriage dynamic with Cheryl. Closes with a Harbor Freight credit card joke.

Sign-off and church announcements

Sign-off: lifefromthepath.org, Pathway Church in Johnston, Iowa (thepathonline.org), services at Wallace Elementary at 10 AM with two services starting in September, podcast signup, and 'back next Monday night from ten to midnight.'

Outro music: ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' with Dustin McCray

Post-sign-off music segment: the hosts take listeners to the Texas Motor Speedway (350,000 seats, '37 people' at their show) for ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man,' featuring 'our own resident shop dress band, mister Dustin McCray' from West Virginia. The music plays out to the end of the recording.