Homemade Fig Newtons

Show open, weather, and the new studio

The hosts open the show from a new studio; Pants reports the weather (77 degrees) and the hosts trade opening banter.

This Is It: the Michael Jackson documentary

A host describes watching the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' documentary in the theater with friends dressed in Michael Jackson-esque outfits (fedora, white socks, military jackets); a friend threatened to bring a stuffed monkey. They reflect on Jackson's talent as a singer and dancer.

Interview: Karen Thompson

Karen Thompson is introduced as the in-studio guest. She describes her media heritage: her father Leonard's radio broadcast in India, which aired from Radio Sri Lanka and reached Southeast Asia; her Anglo-Indian background; her band's tribal beats; and a Portuguese fado song the hosts try to play.

Hospital and driving stories

The hosts trade stories: a high-school friend's back surgery and hospital stay (jaws of life, an ambulance ride, asking for acne medicine), a trip to Mercy hospital, watching Roadhouse alone at the hospital, fender benders (including in India), honking etiquette and Polk County plates. Karen answers a few more questions about growing up in India (17 years, college in the US).

Clean honks, 'slow jack,' and the geography game

• What would the 'Joe American' equivalent be in India?

A discussion of 'clean' honking yields the clean swear substitute 'slow jack.' The table then tests its geography ('Hit us with your geography, Johnny World'): Pakistan and the Middle East, Apu on the Simpsons, a roll-call of the nations of the world 'brought to you by Yaku Warner,' and cricketers from Trinidad and Tobago. It closes with family-reunion talk.

Politics and a mock Skype wedding

• Would you marry Karen to keep her in the country?

Conversation ranges over Polk County's namesake, Karen's political family and photos with presidents (guessing 'Nicaragua'... 'Nortega'... Marcos... 'Spiro Wagner'), Dave Funk's visit, immigration and corporate hiring, and a 2012 watch list. As a bit, the hosts stage a mock wedding on Skype: Pants is asked to marry Karen 'to keep her in the country' ('I do... Don't make him beg').

Bobby Jindal and the 30 Rock page

• How long can Pat's wear a pair of socks before he absolutely has to change them?
• What is the name of the page on 30 Rock?

Talk of Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal's 2012 prospects veers into 30 Rock: comparing Jindal to 'the page,' guessing John Lithgow, landing on Alec Baldwin's character ('Jack... Jack Bauer'), and tasking Olsen with looking up the page's name — Kenneth ('Pants, you've been replaced by some Kenneth man').

Socks, campaigns, and the school system

Pat's's socks question gets its answer ('No socks at all'), which detours into which office Dan should run for (mayor? school board?). That opens a critique of job credentialism ('stop requiring a high school education'), the school system, the teachers' union, and Dave Funk's visit.

Faith without works

A bad experience with someone in church prompts a discussion of faith and works: 'James says faith without works is dead' (James 2:26), and Paul's point that works will not save you — salvation is by faith, and works follow.

School days: PE, French, Einstein, and homeschooling

The hosts critique high-school requirements (two years of foreign language, PE for athletes, creative writing), joke that Einstein never stopped to pick up French, recall Dave Funk on government overreach in schools, and discuss homeschooling and how little they remember (Eli Whitney, year ranges).

Growing up: divorce dolphins and chore wars

Childhood memories: confusion over wars ('King Ferdinand did something and then we got bombed'), the divorced-kids class with its dolphin counselor and cookie bribes ('Oh, I signed up for it'), half-gallons of chocolate milk, a bucket of spaghetti, scrubbing cereal bowls, baseball cards, and Mom's store rules.

Pants on Skype: proposals, Jimmy Dean, and gospel

• Who is the most famous person you're friends with on Facebook?

Checking in with Pants on Skype: his 'recent refusal of marriage' (the mock wedding), news that Jimmy Dean died ('The sausage man?'), Jonathan Narciss (and his Saturn, and his governor run), a round of 'most famous person you're friends with on Facebook' (Sarah Palin, Billy Graham, Mike Breaux of Willow Creek), preacher tapes, and a gospel sing-along ('Swing low, sweet chariot,' the Oak Ridge Boys) with Pants ('Pants, that was fantastic... Big wheels keep on turning... An Hour of Silence with Pants').

The president and the oil slick

Politics: whether the president is 'supposed to get down there and stop the oil slick,' government ego ('check out the ego on this guy'), and 'dismantling the country.' Studio miscellany follows: a 52-ounce sweet tea and the candy machine.

Karen's farewell

Karen says her favorite part of the evening was 'y'all trying to marry me off on the radio'; the hosts tease ('She's cold,' 'Pants, cancel the ring,' a sad face on the chair) and thank Gary as Karen heads out ('it's been real, so I'm out').

Ketchup bottles and the church-office mannequin

Post-break miscellany: outrage over ketchup bottles with red-painted interiors, a moral dilemma, a 'dirty cat,' teeter butter, the tomato situation, airport deodorant, a naked dude in the rock garden, and the church office's half-naked bust mannequin (which someone is afraid will be stolen) plus a plastic BB handgun.

Group sing and the Andrews Sisters

The group sings a song together, then discusses the Andrews Sisters ('I've done my four songs').

Ringworm, iPad germs, and tunnels

• How long should I wait before calling back about my ringworm test results?
• Can you grow ringworm at your own house, or do you need special equipment?

A listener, Bean, asks how long to wait before calling back about ringworm (hair) test results ('Pats, that better be for the dog'). The hosts riff on culturing ringworm at home ('Can you order that on eBay? I'd like to culture things in my house'), a bacteria swipe of iTunes-store iPads ('some serious business on them iPads'), and digging tunnels under the house.

Roadside critters and the flooded road

Driving and animal stories: a Gollum-like rodent crossing the road ('He goes, precious'), driving around a barricade onto a flooded road ('I just waterlogged it... I missed my turn'), a dog catching a baby rabbit, dragging deer carcasses, and feral cats.

The trashed rental house

A host recounts the rental house of his youth: three layers of carpet (new remnants over old), tearing down the drop ceiling, drawings on the walls, a dog that pooped in the bathroom, a freezing uninsulated bathroom ('negative 10'), dodging dog poo getting out of the shower, well water that quit for days, and the spray-painted piano. Also: Warren Wednesdays.

The great equalizer: donkeys

An extended donkey riff: the escaped donkey ('that donkey got out again'), 'nine out of 10, that donkey's caused you more of a problem than anything else' ('It's the great equalizer,' 'a good reason to not have one'), the campaign for a studio donkey ('we need a pet donkey'), Mennonites and manual labor, plus dating stories ('I married the first woman you dated').

Sign-off with Karen Thompson

The show winds down ('We got to go'); Karen Thompson is named again as the special guest, and the hosts close out the episode.