January 30 2012

A special-edition broadcast about two deaths in Johnston

• How should Christians respond when tragedy like suicide strikes their community?

Ben Foost identifies himself and explains this is a special 8 p.m. edition of Live from the Path, not the usual 10-to-midnight show, convened because two students died by suicide in the Johnston community within the last 24 to 48 hours -- one at Johnston Middle School and one at Johnston High School. The scheduled musical guest Jeff Arendale agreed to move his appearance so the show could instead digest the tragedy, and online viewers are invited to use the chat feature for questions. The stated aim is to talk honestly about reactions to tragedy, what Christians should do, and how a loving God fits the picture.

Introducing Don Hensley

Don Hensley joins as the show's guest: he served on the critical stress management team and as chaplain with the Indiana State Police for 16 years, worked critical incidents with the Iowa State Patrol before that, serves as an associate chaplain at Bloomington Hospital, and retired after 41 years in ministry. A host notes the church held services at Johnston Middle School that Sunday morning and prayed for the families. Don says a chaplain's work is often simply being there, and that ministry has been his life since he was a boy in the mountains of Virginia.

The ministry of presence

Don Hensley recounts being called to a hospital after a young deputy directing traffic was struck by a car, and describes going into the room with her husband the first time he saw her -- arguing that ministry is often simply being there and available rather than saying the right words. The hosts build on the point: well-meaning comfort words can land badly when people are not ready to hear them, so presence plus prayer beats pressure. A host likens it to God's own way: he shows up when needed rather than beating people over the head.

The weekend's timeline and the prayer-room response

A host reconstructs the shockwave: one student took his own life Saturday morning, word spread through Facebook, the church prayed that Sunday, and then Sunday evening around 6:45 police were called for a second student from the same school district. A ninth-grader named Shanna -- friends with the first student -- watched reports come in from her friends. With people still processing, the church staff brainstormed over Facebook and set up a temporary prayer room with help from Shelly Carson: paper on the walls, a quiet place to pray, sing, or just sit, open to everyone.

What we can actually do: pray

A host describes how the news broke his heart as a father, projecting it onto his own kids, and how the temptation is to blame parents or search for causes -- yet the situation looked outwardly strong, leaving him speechless. He concludes the only honest move is prayer: words are not magic, hugs are temporary, and no one is an expert here, so he prays because the situation is out of his hands. Don adds that he prayed that afternoon for the layers of families, grandparents, teachers, and the whole devastated community, trusting God to give a peace no one understands.

What would you say to a grieving classroom?

• If asked to speak to a classroom of grieving students, what would you say?

A host asks Don what he would say if invited to speak to a classroom meeting for the first time since two classmates died -- with no strings attached, even free to talk about Jesus. Don says he would let the kids talk: gather everyone the way crisis debriefings do, with no notes and nothing taken out of the room, going around the circle until people open up. It is not a time for judgment but for ministering, he says; speaking the dead friend's name out loud and sharing good memories is healthy.

Love first, don't exploit the tragedy

A host reflects that his first instinct in tragedy is to get God in there and get people to know Jesus immediately -- but Don's answer reframes him: the more real interaction starts with love, since God started with love and has it for everyone equally. Just listen, let them talk, and build the relationship first. The hosts agree that trying to capitalize on the moment for evangelism is less real than earning people's trust so help can actually land.

Why didn't God stop it?

• What do you say to someone who asks 'Why didn't God stop it?'

A host asks what to say when grieving people honestly ask why God didn't stop the deaths. Don answers that after 41 years of ministry he still has no answer for the whys, only the assurance that God is present and sees us through; he recalls the 9/11 question and a statement attributed to Franklin Graham that God was present with people as the buildings crumbled. A host adds the free-will framing: God gives free will, and stepping in to stop every tragedy would leave him with programmed robots rather than people who voluntarily love him -- true, but not comforting.

What leads someone to that choice? The eternal perspective

• What mindset leads someone to take their own life, and how can that choice be prevented?

A host asks where a person has to be to make that choice, and how to counter the mindset that gets there -- since missing that chance means missing the chance to prevent another death. Don answers with how his family taught their children to look at everything long-term: whatever the situation, it is not forever; a lifetime is a blink compared to eternity, and as he quotes, the whole life is a vapor. He cautions that no one knows what was in these children's minds, so the hosts must be careful with words and simply be available.

The prayer room: open 24 hours through Friday

The hosts describe the prayer room in detail: at the ministry center at 6510 Merle Hay Road, open 24 hours a day through Friday with someone there to let visitors in, paper on the walls to write thoughts, prayers, and questions, low lighting and a candle, no denominational pitch and no one preaching at visitors. They explain the church already runs 24-7 prayer for two weeks twice a year and has seen God answer prayers written in earlier rooms. The room is for anyone in the community, not just the directly affected -- if you are in Johnston or have a child, you are involved.

Shelly Carson's tips for parents

• Can tragedy strike even terrific, well-guarded kids?

A host asks Dan to share guidance the youth leader Shelly Carson sent for parents: guard the child's heart by surrounding them with a godly worldview, guard their time -- especially with teenagers in a grieving process who should not be left alone too long -- and guard their group of friends, since friends influence everything. The note's closing question is read aloud: is it possible to do all of this and still have tragedy strike? The answer given is yes, with a warning not to assume a grieving family failed in one of these areas.

Everyone makes bad decisions; consequences differ

The hosts argue that a suicide is a choice between options, like every impulsive bad decision people make -- the difference here is the permanence of the consequence, not necessarily a fully understood decision. A host warns against judging as if the person weighed the full weight of it; in that state of mind nobody is processing correctly. He illustrates with the seesaw: keep so much weight on the God side of life that the mind tips toward him when the moment of crisis comes.

The house on the rock and the house on the sand

A host turns to Jesus' parable of building a house on a solid foundation versus on sand: the assumption baked into the parable is that the beating will come -- life guarantees trouble, and Jesus offered no third option of a trouble-free perch. The foundation is a life patterned on Christ's teachings as the fallback when thinking straight is impossible. Another host adds the corollary: when the house on sand collapses, the person stands in rubble and stops wanting to rebuild at all.

Station break and the God who shares our grief

In a mid-show break the hosts restate the basics: a special 8 p.m. broadcast from the Pathway Studios in Johnston with no regular 10-to-midnight show tonight, broadcasting beside the temporary 24-7 prayer room set up after the two suicides. One host says he prayed in the room the night before despite not knowing the families, relating as a father who wants to hug the grieving dad for an hour. He quotes Mike's earlier remark that he cannot imagine how much it grieves God to see his children come to that -- and finds it comforting that God shares our grief as a Father who has lost a son.

Show logistics, a past suicide series, and where the community goes from here

• What does long-term community support for grieving people look like?

The hosts give the website and archives: the show airs Mondays at livefromthepath.org with chat, audio goes to the podcast, video archives post to the Blip TV channel livefromthepath.blip.tv, and a three-part YouTube series from about a year and a half earlier covers a previous suicide that impacted the church. They note recent musical guest Jesse Anderson's three posted songs and confirm Jeff Arendale will be rescheduled for February. The conversation pivots to the harder question: vigils and prayer rooms meet immediate needs, but what does the community do long-term?

Grief has no time limit: the Jim Hudson story

Answering the long-term question, a host says our culture cruelly gives people two or three weeks and then expects them to get over it -- but grief is a years-long reworking of a relationship with someone you will never talk to again. He tells of attending a funeral that day where a stranger asked if his dad was Jim Hudson, who died in 1994 and served with him in the Iowa Air National Guard; hearing his father's name spoken positively 18 years later was powerful, and he still wears the Air Force ring his dad gave him days before dying. The point: give people permission to grieve without a deadline.

GriefShare: a 13-week grief course

A host recommends GriefShare, a 13-week grief recovery course with video and discussion in a support group, which he has taken twice and found helped him grieve executive pastor Sean Engeldinger, who died a couple of years earlier. He describes normal-but-alarming grief effects the course explained to him, like forgetting familiar names and needing a GPS to drive home in a town he has lived in all his life. The plan is to wait a month or two, then offer the course to the community -- even for old, unprocessed grief, like the woman whose mother died 16 years earlier and wept through it.

Made for community; life will go on, differently

The hosts argue the consistent theme is not going through grief alone: people are made for community, for leaning on family and friends, because circumstances are what they are and no one can carry it solo. One host reframes the cliche 'life will go on' as 'life will go on, differently' -- pretending nothing changed is a lie, and trying to live as if the hole isn't there is what makes you fall into it. Don adds that the course teaches leaning into grief rather than running from it, and learning to re-engage with life -- the dead would want you happy again.

A year off in Jewish culture? Our culture's rushed grief

• Did Jewish culture give people a year off from military service for marriage or mourning?

A host asks whether he remembers correctly that in Jewish culture a man got a year off from military service for marriage -- and wonders whether death got the same -- because they understood a person needs time to heal before being useful again. The hosts contrast that with modern norms: five days of bereavement, back to work a week and a half after a wedding, slaving to the clock -- then surprise when people are unhealthy. Grief that doesn't fit the schedule gets forced, and forced grief goes unprocessed.

GriefShare's format and Dan's gesture

• How do you minister to people who don't come to the prayer room or take a grief course?

A host describes the GriefShare format -- video with discussion and what he calls a recovery group, a plain support group -- while joking that Dan is making a gesture implying the audience already knows what he means. The bit prompts the next question: what do you do for the people who never come to the prayer room or take the grief course?

Ministering in everyday encounters

Don answers that some of the greatest ministry happens in ordinary encounters -- at the grocery store in Johnston -- where grieving people will bring it up themselves if given the opening. A host agrees with a self-deprecating story: his wife always knows when something is bothering him, and after 45 minutes of 'nothing' he finally confesses someone ate his Cheetos -- joking that God never told men that marriage includes a wife who sees through every lie, and that should have been a proverb.

Men and grief: listen, don't fix

The hosts say men struggle with grief because they can't fix it -- the instinct is 'tell me your problem and I'll give you three steps,' which is why there is a Dear Abby and a Dear Susan but no Dear Leonard. One host says that as goofy as he is, few people listen as well as Dan Hudson, who will simply sit and let someone talk it out. The lesson: grieving people usually want an ear, not a solution.

Give permission to grieve: say the name, keep praying

The hosts advise giving grieving people ongoing permission to grieve: it's been six weeks since you lost your son -- how are things going? Don't be afraid to use the dead person's name; they want to hear it. And don't cross them off the prayer list after two weeks -- keep them on it for a year, since they need God every day whether or not they are visibly struggling. Saying 'I'm still praying for you' only counts if you actually are.

Both families, the parents meeting, and the week's funerals

Don notes that both grieving families are active in a church, and the hosts frame the wider church's role as banding together to support the families, kids, teachers, and everyone who knew the two students. They list what's coming: a district parents meeting Tuesday from 5 to 6 at the middle school auditorium with experts on loss, funerals on Thursday and Friday, and the youth group meeting Wednesday at 7 at the same building. Each event can re-trigger the reality of the loss, so all of it needs prayer.

Grief's quiet triggers and the hand on the shoulder

A host says the reality of death often hits in small moments, not big ones: at his grandmother's funeral it wasn't the service but later, seeing her car in the garage with no owner, that it landed. He recalls that the most helpful thing anyone did was a relative who walked up, put a hand on his shoulder without a word, and walked on -- the ministry of presence again. Don agrees, admitting he often leaves hospitals and funerals feeling like a complete failure for fixing nothing, then reminds himself presence was the assignment.

Be yourself in grief ministry; the 10-second rule

The hosts say you shouldn't fake a personality you don't have to help the grieving -- some have a gift of mercy, others are awkward, and people want you genuine, not phony. A host describes a book randomly sent to his wife with their homeschool curriculum, 'The 10 Second Rule': in the next 10 seconds, will you do what God wants you to do? -- illustrated by driving past a stranded man on the interstate and rationalizing not stopping. One host jokes he won't read it because it would convict him, preferring 'the 60 second time manager.'

Pray for the kids on the school bus

The hosts add practical prayer prompts beyond the prayer room: pray as you drive past the school, pray when you pass a school bus full of kids affected by these deaths. One host says he often finds himself praying for kids on a bus as he passes.

Closing: prayer-room details, thanks, and what's ahead

In the close the hosts repeat the essentials: the prayer room at 6510 Merle Hay Road in Johnston is open 24 hours a day through Friday with someone there to let visitors in -- no pamphlets, no preaching, Bibles available, open to anyone whether or not they know God. They note the funerals and visitations later in the week, the Wednesday 7 p.m. youth group, and next Monday's normal 10-to-midnight broadcast with new guests in February including a rescheduled Jeff Arendale. They thank Don Hensley for coming in.