Here’s My Card

Show opening and underprepared banter

The produced intro plays, then the hosts open the show joking that they did not prepare well. One host (named Mike in the audio) is teed up for Dear LFTP advice about a husband described as a party pooper and a second question about approaching a blind man in public, and the show's Leviticus reading is previewed.

Leviticus: 'I am the LORD your God' riff

A host riffs on Leviticus chapters 19-20: after each command about not mistreating neighbors, withholding wages, or putting a stumbling block before the blind, God signs off 'I am the LORD your God' like a placard — which the hosts joke reads as 'Love, Yahweh' at the end of every decree.

New Hebrew Bible translation teased; Song of Songs 1:13

The hosts preview a New York Times piece about a new Hebrew Bible translation rivaling the King James, then dig into its example from the Jewish Publication Society rendering of Song of Songs 1:13 ('a bag of myrrh lodged between my breasts'), laughing that 'lodged' sounds accidental and unpoetic compared to the intended image.

Hebrew vowels, teenage texting, and Koine Greek jokes

Banter about Hebrew having no written vowels: one host compares it to teenagers texting without vowels, and the crew jokes that cuneiform were ancient emojis, that Greek is a dead language nobody can agree on pronouncing, and that 'Koine Greek' sounds like the grain quinoa.

Complaint line promo and 'exasperate your Nefesh'

The hosts give the complaint line number, (515) 517-0085, inviting listeners to 'exasperate your Nefesh' on it, and tease a co-host (addressed as Bubba in the audio) about an unprepared 'Pope style' bit sitting at 'Bishop level' that may need another week.

Florida beach cheesy-Jesus metaphors and Evernote funeral notes

A host confesses to spending a Florida beach vacation inventing cheesy Jesus metaphors — a footprint filling with sand as a picture of sin and Christ's love, waves gently kissing his feet — then admits he keeps an Evernote file of anecdotes earmarked for specific people's funerals, which implies he plans to outlive everyone.

Dungeons and Dragons dragon poetry read aloud

A host reads embarrassing self-written Dungeons and Dragons bard poetry ('I bring you a tale that is older than time...') from his phone notes, written on the fly during game sessions about a year earlier, and the others roast him for it while he also shares a failed 50-states-from-memory list.

Embarrassing-notes complaint-line challenge with signed picture prize

A host challenges listeners to call the complaint line with the most embarrassing thing in their phone notes, promising the winner a signed picture of a co-host (named Buva in the audio), with the hosts wagering the winner will be related to or know him personally.

Florida vacation stories and a lament about time

The hosts compare Florida trips — one to a wedding in Fort Myers, one to a retirement community with an Airbnb whole-house stereo used for morning Bible reading in Leviticus — and a host reflects that what he misses most in life is not experiences but unhurried time to do things well.

Robert Alter's new Hebrew Bible: 'soul' out, nefesh in

The hosts walk through the New York Times article on Robert Alter's complete Hebrew Bible translation (two and a half decades of work): he drops the word 'soul' because the Hebrew nefesh means breath, throat, neck, appetite, or life — not an immortal incorporeal self — so Jonah 2:6 reads 'the waters had reached my neck,' which pairs poetically with 'my head covered with seaweed,' unlike 'soul and head.'

Translation as art: NIV committee, eagle vs vulture, Blue Letter Bible

A long discussion of Bible translation as art rather than mechanics: a host's Cincinnati Bible College professor sat on the NIV committee where dozens of scholars could debate a single word; the hosts note modern translations render Matthew's birds as 'vulture' for end-times reasons while the KJV says 'eagle' though the word means eagle everywhere else. They recommend the free Blue Letter Bible app and its aged Strong's pronunciation reader, and a host confesses to preaching an entire sermon saying 'Ashura' poles after mishearing the app.

'It is well with my neck': nefesh comedy riff

The hosts spin the nefesh discussion into comedy: if 'soul' can mean neck or appetite, then the hymn becomes 'it is well with my neck,' and Jonah sounds like a coworker saying 'this paperwork's up to my soul.' They close the thread noting Christians may read Jesus into Old Testament texts where the author only meant Yahweh's name — 'maybe Yahweh goes, no, it wasn't there yet.'

Jesus' Hebrew name Yehoshua and the personal name Yahweh

The hosts discuss that Jesus' Hebrew long-form name is Yehoshua and that names don't change across languages the way translations imply; one notes kids loved learning there is no 'J' sound in Hebrew and now call the book 'Yob.' They observe that rendering God's personal name Yahweh as 'the LORD' makes it feel generic, while Jonah uses Yahweh exclusively and names only two characters — Yahweh and Jonah — making the story more personal.

Bible trivia quiz: famous prayers of the Old Testament

• What is Jesus' real name?

The hosts take a 16-question online quiz on famous Old Testament prayers, debating each answer: Joshua vs Moses at the Amorites, Abram childless, Gideon and the altar of Baal, Samson, David numbering the people, Solomon's wisdom, Daniel vs Nebuchadnezzar on sackcloth and ashes (they get it wrong), Elijah's fire, Hezekiah and Isaiah, Nehemiah the cupbearer (with a hair-pulling digression), Isaiah's potter, David's Psalm 139 and Jeremiah's 'correct me,' Joel vs Amos at the porch and altar, Jonah in the sea, and Habakkuk's 'how long.'

Quiz results, hair-plucking verses, and a 2014 memory

The hosts score 10 of 16 (63%, below the site's 69% average), mock the quiz site for not updating since 2008, list the four 'hair plucking' verses (Nehemiah pulling others' hair, Ezra pulling his own, Isaiah 50, Mark 14), debate Absalom caught in the tree, and recall a 2014 'signs of the apocalypse' bit.

Dear LFTP: husband who never takes his wife out, plus the Secular answer

• My husband never takes me out anymore — what do you make of this?

A listener married seven years writes that she and her husband have not gone out together since last summer while he eats lunch out with buddies; the hosts agree he is being a schmuck and should take his lady out, but add nuance — don't idealize other marriages, and going without him to things he dislikes is fine. The 'Secular' answer (world-wisdom) is read: he is selfish and self-centered, and she should enjoy dinners with friends or get a job if needed.

Dear LFTP: getting a blind stranger's attention, plus a cane story

• What is the best way to gain the attention of a stranger who is blind?

A listener asks how to get a blind stranger's attention after tapping his shoulder startled him; the hosts debate firm-bicep grab vs repeated 'excuse me, sir' from in front, then read the National Federation of the Blind guidance: repeat 'excuse me, sir' and identify yourself from a short distance, preferably directly in front. A host closes with a story of watching two blind women sword-fight and kick away each other's canes at a stoplight, laughing until they flipped him off.

Sign-off

A host closes the show, inviting complaint-line calls about how much of a schmuck he is and challenges to beat his Dungeons and Dragons poetry, then gives the standard sign-off: 'be faithful in the means, God will handle the ends.'