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Show open: back from the holidays

The produced intro voiceover opens the show, then the hosts welcome listeners back after a multi-week holiday hiatus, guessing it is 2019. They joke that, collectively having 'deceased,' they received no condolences on the complaint line.

Jacob Marley riff: don't build echo-chamber community

A host opens with 'We're Jacob Marley' and notes he and Ben were talking before the show about how the internet pushes finding a group with your exact experience. Another counters with the Celebrate Recovery model: fellow addicts will just enable you, while someone who has beaten your struggle can actually help. He extends it to church life — keep ties to small rural churches as well as thriving ones to stay grounded. It closes with the joke about podcasting to nine people.

Apology for the hiatus and the complaint-line number

The hosts apologize for the multi-week gap over the holidays and give out the complaint line: (515) 517-0085.

Muppets story: Kermit and Fozzie at the church

A host recounts watching The Muppet Movie with his kids — Kermit and Fozzie hiding out at a church, Fozzie's 'I don't know how to thank you guys' answered by Kermit's 'I don't know why to thank you guys' — and laughed because it reminded him of the show itself.

Gallup poll: trust in clergy hits a record low

• Why do so few Christians trust their pastors?

The hosts read a Christianity Today article on a new Gallup survey: only 42% of American Christians rate clergy high or very high on honesty and ethics, a 2018 record low. They discuss whether the word 'clergy' evokes Catholic priests, the role of high-profile scandals — embezzlement, affairs, abuse at Willow Creek-type churches — and one host asks Dan (addressed by name) whether he has read the article.

Hidden failure, not failure, is what destroys trust

The hosts argue it is not wrongdoing alone but hiding it that is untrustworthy — admitting a mistake is trustworthy, while brand-protecting cover-ups feed the narrative. A few big-name failures define a whole profession, the 'going postal' analogy. Some pastors compound the shame by thinking they are protecting God's people, which the hosts call blindness to the very thing they are called to do.

Goat demons in Leviticus: people never change

A host wonders whether Israel's open turns to Asherah poles were more honest than today's 'half in, half out' faith. Another counters with Leviticus 18: even right after Sinai, with Yahweh's presence at the mountain and the Day of Atonement behind them, God had to forbid sacrificing to goat demons in the forest — people are always the same. It closes with the joke that Yahweh would not single anyone out, though 'Bill's the one doing it.'

Guessing game: when did clergy trust peak?

• In what year did American trust in clergy peak?

The hosts quiz each other on when Gallup trust in clergy peaked over forty years. Dan (addressed by name) is called an awesome guesser for landing on 1986, one year off the true 1985, when two-thirds of Americans rated clergy high or very high. They discuss the moral-majority era media buildup and the late-1980s scandals that knocked the numbers down.

Dan's abandoned 20-year plan to run for president

Dan (addressed by name) shares that in the 1980s, when America loved pastors, he had a legitimate 20-year plan to run for president, believing being a pastor was a strength. He bailed by the early 1990s — partly because he was unqualified, partly because his wife Cheryl hates controversy and the thought that someone might not like her.

Quiz: clergy vs the least-trusted professions

The hosts quiz each other down the Gallup rankings. Mike (addressed by name) is asked to name the least-trusted profession and the most trusted: nurses top the list at 84%, then doctors at 67%, pharmacists, teachers, police. Clergy at 37% get beat by funeral directors at 39. One host puzzles over why 10% distrust high school teachers, and someone notes the 2001 post-9/11 bump in clergy trust.

Why clergy failures stick to the profession

The hosts discuss why clergy misconduct tars the whole profession: modern clergy broadcast sermons and tweets far beyond their congregation, so failures expand beyond personal reach. A dishonest doctor gets filed as a criminal, but a non-criminal-yet-inappropriate pastor stays 'a creepy pastor' and the stigma stays with the job. Mark Driscoll and Bill Hybels are named as examples.

The rest of the dishonest list, plus 'I trust Bob'

Finishing the Gallup untrustworthy list: journalists (33%), contractors, bankers, real-estate agents (25%), labor leaders, lawyers, advertising practitioners, telemarketers, car salespeople, and members of congress. A host says he distrusts real-estate agents generally but trusts Bob, a realtor he has met. The 9% who rate telemarketers' ethics 'very high' get mocked.

Second article: Christians vs non-Christians on trust

A second article ('Eight people Americans trust more than their local pastor') shows Christians are nearly twice as likely as non-Christians to trust faith leaders. Christians lean toward military officers, police, and mechanics; non-Christians toward teachers, judges, and reporters. The three top-rated professions are all in healthcare, and clergy are not at the bottom of the list.

A host doesn't trust doctors — and the lobbyist defense

A host says he distrusts doctors, recounting a visit where the doctor dismissed his self-diagnosis, ordered tests, and prescribed antibiotics instead of telling him to quit smoking and cut sugar — he would have trusted the doctor if he had named the root causes. The others probe the logic. Closing thought: trust is individual, not by profession. A side note defends lobbyists as possibly the most honest people around, since their aims are clear.

The car finance guy who chased him home

After agreeing car salesmen are hard to trust, a host recounts a finance guy who came back $30 over the agreed monthly payment and got walked out on, then called at home offering the agreed price — plus another $20 off a month — and the host drove back and bought the car.

Transition to Dear LFTP

The hosts wrap the trust discussion and move to advice letters, addressing the audience as 'mister Harrelson.'

Dear LFTP: aging parents who want to move away and disappear

• Should we move away and disappear from our distant adult children?

A letter from a 72-year-old couple whose successful adult children — a doctor son and a multi-post-grad botanist daughter — are distant and standoffish. They are sick of both kids and ask whether to move away and disappear. The hosts find the letter extremely one-sided and the reaction over the top: the kids were raised into busyness, stop trying to parent them, and if you want to move, you are grown adults — go ahead. Florida riffs follow: Boca Raton, The Villages.

What counts as a village, anyway?

• What is the municipal difference between a village, a hamlet, and a town?

The Florida advice detour leads to a rabbit hole: does Iowa have real villages as a municipal category? A host attempts an answer — a village is not incorporated and cannot collect taxes — before the definitions get argued.

Secular says: advice on the move-away letter

A host reads the Secular persona's answer to the move-away letter: people can disappear without moving, just lock your doors, ask the kids why they are distant, and celebrate the holidays with those who appreciate you. He thanks Secular for it.

Hamlet jokes and the National Geographic definition

The hosts riff on hamlet vs village vs town — a hamlet is under 500 people, a village runs 500 to 2,500 per National Geographic — with the complaint that 'we coulda had a great time as four dudes arguing and you ruined it by going to the Internet.' Explorer-membership jokes and 'I'm gonna go found a hamlet' close it out.

Dear LFTP: the upstaged 25% tip

• Was my birthday-dinner gift enough, or should I feel embarrassed that my guests tipped too?

A letter-writer took a couple out for the husband's 60th birthday, paid a $400 bill and left a 25% tip, then the guests handed cash to the staff anyway despite knowing. She felt like creeping out and never returning, asking 'Why wasn't my gift enough?' The hosts: you are prideful and sensitive — the guests knew you paid and just enjoyed giving more; it was thunder-stealing but nothing to be embarrassed about. The Secular persona says her gift was enough and the celebration was a success. Side discussion: whether a $100 tip sets a bar you would be afraid to fall below, including one host's $100 tip to a Hy-Vee server on her last day.

Dear LFTP: the meddling grandmother and the texting teacher

• Should I worry that my grandson's teacher texts during class?

A grandmother writes that her sixth great-grandson sits in a 2.5-hour social-studies class while the teacher texts at least six times, and wonders when other parents will rise up. The hosts call it high-class meddling — the kid is playing her (this conversation only happens with bad grades), no sixth-grade class runs 2.5 hours, and expecting a parent revolution reveals an inflated sense of self. The Secular answer says ask the other parents — noting the principal loves a furious-parent mob. A host whose wife works in a school office notes the texts may be the office checking attendance. Closing vent about parents using school as daycare, then tearing into underpaid teachers.

Sign-off and the complaint line

The hosts close the show, invite topics and personal problems via the complaint line (515) 517-0085, and sign off with 'be faithful in the means. God will handle the ends.'