BeliefNet.Org.Com

Show open and the hand-washing show

A host delivers the produced intro ("Live from the Pathway Studios in Johnston Proper"), then a host gives the live show start from the Pathway Studios. The cold open is a comedy bit: one host was accused of not washing his hands at a conference, so now he makes an exaggerated show of drying them in public — walking out still drying, no paper towels at the conference — while the other host admits he sometimes does not wash either.

Docket: bad New Year guidance, the case against Solomon, and biblical baby names

• Is it okay not to like Solomon?
• What would you have named your kid if you could have gotten away with it?

The docket is set: a smattering of BeliefNet articles offering bad Christian guidance for the New Year, plus the pre-show debate — is it okay not to like Solomon? (with David, Samuel, Eli, and Moses named as similarly complicated figures). That spins into an extended baby-name comedy riff: naming a kid Enoch ("Big E"), Jezebel (never met one), Noah, Asa, Lamech, the joke name "Manfoost" (a host has a photo of Mike wearing a "roll sixes for Manfoost" T-shirt), and Boova's last name being unwinnable "especially in the Philippines." A listener prompt is planted: what would you have named your kid if you could have gotten away with it?

BeliefNet article: "Four reasons God is keeping you single"

• Is God keeping me single, and if so why?
• Can my New Year goals be self-centered, and does the heart behind them matter more?

The hosts read and dismantle a BeliefNet article by Megan Bailey listing four reasons God is keeping you single. Reason one prompts a long tangent on New Year goals: whether goals can be self-centered ("Why do your goals sound like Sauron?"), heart-level motivations, reading the Bible more, praying with "the hots for Jenny" versus seeking God's will, and Israel demanding a king when Yahweh as king with judges would have sufficed. Reason two ("God isn't — Satan is") is rejected in favor of broken humanity ("parts of you were unappealing because you're a turd"). Reason three (lowered standards) is called poorly worded and skipped; reason four (God doesn't grant every promise/petition) sparks a theology discussion about peace and joy versus removal of desires. Verdict: one of the most poorly worded articles they have read; the hosts close by reassuring listeners God is not mad at them or withholding a spouse out of spite.

Skipped article: "seven tricks to being more attractive"

Between BeliefNet pieces the hosts glance at another article — "seven tricks to being more attractive" ("find them attractive"; "magnets pull together") — and quickly skip it, along with a discernment piece, as more of the same. A bridge into the next list article.

BeliefNet article: "10 self-destructive thoughts to eliminate to be happier"

The hosts work through a "10 self-destructive thoughts" listicle, riffing on each: (1) too much pride — pushing back that "no man is an island" doesn't mean letting every thought in, with a corporate-culture tangent; drugs and alcohol ("stop doing drugs and getting drunk," thirdhand smoke from the smoke shack); staying in bad relationships; frivolous spending ("Get behind me, Satan" / Starbucks); guilt — the one substantive stop, distinguishing a broken and contrite heart from arrogantly refusing to believe you are forgiven; repeating the same mistakes; instant gratification, which detonates into an extended ceiling-fan-replacement debate (stopping a running fan, apartment fans, the power bill) and a Long John Silver's / long-johns digression; second-guessing (a host is married to a chronic second-guesser — "it can be paralyzing"); restaurant-ordering comedy (the Szechuan chicken plate thrown away, the "chicken tenders across America" blog idea, Olive Garden's lack of tenders, ordering defensively so nobody steals food, the "bacon Grinch" story); and choosing the wrong friends ("any drive more than twenty five minutes is harvest," the third-generation-farmer song). Verdict: mostly thin, but the guilt entry lands.

Hard question: is it okay not to like Solomon?

Returning to the docket teaser, a host explains he has just read 1 Kings and can no longer deify Solomon's wisdom: the man who asked for wisdom and built the temple also built high places, married hundreds of women ("this is not wisdom"), and built a house for Pharaoh's daughter alongside the house of the Lord. The hosts agree Solomon is "no good" as a role model while noting his temple dedication prayers were genuinely great, compare him to David ("a man after God's own heart" doesn't imply God endorsed every action), and observe that most Old Testament heroes — Noah, Jonah — have glaring failures the highlight reels skip (Solomon doesn't even show up in Hebrews 11). Takeaway: read the whole story, don't read the Bible too fast, and trust a God who works through rough people.

Dear LFTP: the mother-in-law who eats off your plate

• How do I get my mother-in-law to stop eating food off my plate when my husband won't intervene?

A host reads a Dear LFTP letter: the writer's mother-in-law repeatedly eats food off her plate without waiting for an answer, the husband refuses to ask his mother to stop ("he doesn't want to insult his mother"), and "despite Dan's pleas" the writer asked anyway. The hosts advise standing up for yourself — cut her off a piece and hand it to her rather than tolerating rudeness — while riffing on defensive ordering (hamburgers are harder to steal than fries; never share soup), mothers-in-law with herpes, and a "Bidening" comedy bit about getting "Joe Biden'd" by hair-sniffing. The Secular answer (read on-air, ASR-rendered "Segular says"): whether the mother-in-law thinks you aren't good enough for her son is irrelevant — stop tolerating the rudeness.

Dear LFTP: the album that slighted the stepmom

• Am I being unreasonable to ask my stepdaughter to reprint a photo album that slighted me?

The second Dear LFTP letter: a woman's stepdaughter Annie made her dad a photo album including his parents, grandparents, and pictures from his first marriage to Annie's mom — including their wedding photo and two "loving couple" shots — and the stepmom feels slighted seeing it displayed in their home, asking if she is unreasonable to request a reprint. The hosts land on "yes, unreasonable": it was the daughter's gift about her dad's life, the first wife is part of that story, and demanding changes would poison the relationship ("the juice ain't worth the squeeze"). Practical outs are offered — add 8x10s of your own wedding on either side; the book isn't the be-all representation of the family. The Secular answer: explain to Annie you felt slighted and why. A host notes his own dad was married to a non-mother for twenty-some years and he wouldn't rewrite that history either.

Outro, feedback ask, and sign-off

The hosts wrap: the Bob Eisenlauer complaint line is (515) 517-0085 (call or text), feedback is invited — especially what listeners would have named their kids — and the show closes with the standing sign-off, "be faithful in the means; God will handle the ends." A music sting plays out, prompting a "stuck in my head for the next week" comment about not having heard the song since Forrest Gump.