This Is Not Love

Show open from the Pathway Studios

The show opens live from the Pathway Studios in Johnston proper with a special March 11 edition. The hosts run the standard opening before the cold-open banter begins.

Cold open: news geography and 'the Google'

A host confesses to ignoring news geography he doesn't know (Jakarta, the Arabian Peninsula, the Baltic Sea) and refuses to Google it on principle, because 'that's cheating.' The bit lands on calling it 'the Google' and a dysentery joke.

Celebrity-story call: Shatner on a bike and the Newt Gingrich thumbs-down

The standing challenge continues: listeners must top 'Billy Shatner on a bike' (William Shatner riding with Dan's brother). Stories offered include Buddy Guy stepping in mid-show, a history teacher who helped James Earl Jones with his bags, a run-in with Newt Gingrich at a Fort Dodge hotel that ended with a thumbs-down and 'a quick boo,' Ron DeSantis's truck, having 'been in the same state as John Wayne's bones,' and once talking to Jon Acuff. The complaint line (515) 517-0085 is plugged.

Docket: 'Is This Love?', church-activities article, and Jeff the felon

• How can your soul be well, and what part do humans play in God's faithfulness?

A host asks Mike for the premise of 'Is This Love?' — the self-described third fastest-growing internet game show, in which a scenario is read and the panel votes love or not love. The docket also covers a 'seven church activities' article to walk through, a follow-up hard question ('how can your soul be well' — is God faithful in his promises, and what part do humans play in that faithfulness; a host addresses Boova as 'Buva' and asks Mike what part he plays 'on the great stage'), and a thank-you to 'a felon named Jeff' who found the speaker's lost wallet and returned it after eleven and a half silent hours ('Is that a pseudonym for Ben? It's not').

Church activities, part 1: grandfathered events, altar calls, public prayer

The hosts walk through the article's first items. 'Events that are grandfathered in' (the Sadie Hawkins dance since 1927, the Betsy Ross Christmas luncheon) opens a wider critique: most church activities are insular, inside the building, and the infrastructure trains people to wait to be told what to do rather than see needs and fill them. Dan is noted as absent ('wish Dan was here') with his church-planting background cited as a missing perspective. Withering events steal resources from thriving ones. The prayer-related items prompt the altar-call debate: one host finds Ignite-style altar calls unsettling, Boova recounts going forward as 'little booba' at youth events at age 13 ('I got plans to ruin it more' the moment they got home), and the room weighs public sanctuary prayer against 'eye gossip.'

Church activities, part 2: Mother's and Father's Day recognitions

The article's next item — having parents stand up on Mother's and Father's Day — gets a long hearing. The room acknowledges real pain (lost children, troubled families, dead parents) but pushes back on the article's logic: 'weep with those who weep... celebrate with those who are celebrating,' and one person's pain shouldn't veto everyone else's celebration. A host describes marking friends' loved ones' death anniversaries on his calendar for quiet follow-up. The article's proposed solution (skip the sermon and recognition, have kids make crafts in children's ministry) is judged to risk making people feel worse.

Church activities, part 3: Bible studies, matchmaking, charity drives

The middle article items fly by: fill-in-the-blank Bible studies ('we want to create a friendship more than a fandom' with God), church matchmaking ministries ('is that a good place to try to find a future wife or husband if you love Jesus?'), and clothing/shoe drives aimed at wealthy neighborhoods that don't need the shoes. The room circles back to item one: church infrastructure discourages people from just starting things, illustrated by a homeschool sporting-event conversation where a man assumed the speaker, as a pastor, dispenses ministry blessings ('I'm not the giver-outer of ministries').

Church activities, part 4: handshake time and newcomer gift bags

A host is surprised the forced 'handshake time' didn't make the article's list, and the room agrees the awkward turn-to-your-neighbor ritual should go. Newcomer gift bags in the lobby ('we have gift bags for you') get the same treatment, followed by a house-church riff on how strange the whole apparatus would look in a living room.

Church activities, part 5: fog machines, bookstores, and the temple

The final items: fog machines and stage theatrics ('fog's manipulative' — it makes worship feel like a performance, though one host admits loving big worship), and selling coffee, shirts, hats, and books inside the church ('anything that smells like enterprise... you're not serving the kingdom of god by manning the bookstore'). The temple cleansing anchors the point — 'doing business in the temple is specifically the problem... it's to be a house of prayer' — with Jeremiah 7 and Isaiah 56 named as the scriptures Jesus's hearers would have recognized. The Bob Eisenlauer complaint line is plugged mid-segment.

'Is This Love?' with Ella's scenarios

• A boyfriend gives flowers, chocolates, and cuddles on Valentine's Day but sits by his girlfriend's best friend — is this love?
• A man hasn't worked in four years, has no intention of getting a job, and expects dinner ready every night — is this love?

The game begins with Ella Fust (rendered 'Ella Fousse' in the transcript) providing scenarios. After a procedural poll ('Is Mike able to vote?'), the rounds include: a clown approaching a married woman; a Valentine's scenario (flowers, chocolates, cuddles — but he sits by her best friend) judged love, since it's a surprise-proposal setup ending in the Cayman Islands with a kid named Allison Ray ('Mike Fusser' gets cast as the husband); and a man who hasn't worked in four years, has no intention of getting one, and expects dinner ready nightly — judged not love, with Leila coming on strong ('No. They should get a divorce'). The stay-at-home-dad riff spirals into mini-duck and drug-dealing jokes before a host declares 'I hate this game. This is capitalism. We've been rused.' The old-school advice column is jokingly offered as 'Deuteronomy Dan.'

Dear LFTP: the accomplished, lonely volunteer

• I am accomplished and stable but sinking into loneliness after relocating — do you have any suggestions?

A listener with a doctorate in educational leadership and a 36-year career writes that she is financially stable with many friends yet sinking into loneliness after moving to Florida. Five years passed before one volunteer job accepted her; a philanthropy group costs her over $1,000 a year and never asks her to volunteer, and she wasn't invited to its social event. The advice: broaden horizons — food banks and homeless shelters 'don't say no' — get involved in a church, and stop forcing herself into a community that isn't hers. A running gag about pronouncing 'philanthropy' runs through the letter, and Leila contributes a point about churches helping find service spots. The secular answer asks whether she's affiliated with a religious institution in her community.

Dear LFTP: the drinking-establishment letter and rebuilding trust

• I exchanged numbers and agreed to lunch with a man I met while my husband was in class — how do I rebuild his trust?

A listener married four years (together ten) writes that while her husband was in a class, she went to a drinking establishment, met a man, exchanged numbers, and agreed to meet him for lunch — then realized it was a big mistake and never went; her husband no longer trusts her. The room's counsel: the number exchange was too far, she should have told him upfront, and now she must be honest ('I don't trust you' is a fair thing for him to say) and set expectations. A host frames the danger plainly — 'this is how people end up cheating' — in hour-long conversations where the other person only sees your best. Opposite-gender friendships aren't wrong, but a marriage this important gets protected 'even if it seems a little bit extreme.' Analogies fly: a host imagines his own wife telling him she 'came upon a felon,' and notes, 'like Ben always talks about,' the same small-church/big-church dynamic applies to relationships kept in and out of sight of a marriage.

Secular's answer on the letter, and the benediction

The secular answer is read on the marriage letter: telling the husband the way he found out 'couldn't have been worse,' urging her to remind him she didn't go to that lunch, ask what earns back trust, consider counseling — 'however, if you are unable to do that, accept that your marriage is toast.' One of the girls has 'Dad' read it back twice and leads a critique of the two ways 'remind him that you didn't go to that lunch' can be heard (scorekeeping vs. genuine love). The hosts' own counsel: give him time, and if forgiveness comes, 'forgive cleanly like God forgives people' — and if he won't listen face to face, write it down ('my wife and I argue best over text message'). The show closes with the standing benediction: 'be faithful in the means. God will handle the ends.'