Buying International Locusts

Show open; UK survey: 6% of adults are practicing Christians

The show opens at the Pathway Studios in Johnston proper with the studio equipment acting up. A host lays out the docket — a few articles, then advice — and introduces the first story: a UK survey commissioned by five Christian organizations finding only 6% of UK adults identify as practicing Christians, with 42% calling themselves non-practicing Christians, 4% agnostics, and 12% atheists.

What is a non-practicing Christian?; where people say they'd learn about the faith

• What does it mean to be a 'non-practicing Christian'?

The hosts chew on what 'non-practicing Christian' means, teeing up Nathaniel on-air — a host answers for him and gets comedy-punished with a Grimace-vs-Hamburglar riff. More survey results land: 26% would Google to learn about the Christian faith, 22% would go to a local church, 22% would read the Bible, 15% would ask a Christian friend. A host says he'd like the list completely inverted — find someone living it and have them explain it — and the table muses that only 6% visibly practicing means people don't know a Christian to ask.

Should churches count? Data, demographics, and ministry

• Should churches survey, count, and steer ministry by data?

The survey sparks a long reflection on whether churches should spend resources surveying, counting, and marketing. One host argues modern brains want more data for everything except God work — God counts hairs, so counting feels useless; another agrees resources are better spent locally, trusting God with the next street over. Dan (addressed by name on-air) recounts a demographic study his church did years ago that drove some felt-needs teaching but never moved the needle on attendance, and how music-style shifts in the late 80s and 90s were data-adjacent. The landing: react to what's in front of you, adapt where the gospel isn't connecting, and decide whether listening for the Holy Spirit or paid data should steer the preaching.

Do Christians sneak by the turnstile? Survey bias and self-checkout comedy

A host wonders whether surveys misrepresent Christians because Christians are the type who sneak by the turnstile and refuse to be counted — answered on-air that Nathaniel tries to spin it twice. The table admits nobody takes surveys: the willing respondents are the unheard and aggrieved, and anonymity makes small gripes float to the top. Nathaniel recounts an employee survey where he typed that he didn't think any action would be taken. A self-checkout camera riff at Walmart in Altoona follows, then the host punts to the Bob Eisenlauer complaint line before the next article.

'Biblical Protein': Israeli company's commercial locust farm comedy read-through

A host reads a Christian Post story about an Israeli company that launched 'Biblical Protein,' described as the first commercial locust farm in the world, on the banks of the Jordan River — 'Israeli company creates snack food with John the Baptist in mind.' The table riffs on buying cricket powder, grasshopper macros, petting the camel, and the irony of mainstreaming a diet whose whole point was that John the Baptist was weird. Early access for the product, the hosts discover, still isn't live.

Dear LFTP: mother-in-law's blatant favoritism

• Dear LFTP: am I wrong to keep my kids from a mother-in-law who plays favorites?

A host reads the first Dear LFTP letter: for more than twenty years, the writer's mother-in-law has shown blatant favoritism toward her husband's younger brother — her own mother and father-in-law have noticed, and the husband has accepted nothing will change. The hosts discuss the weight snide family comments carry versus strangers', and the Secular answer is read: keep the mother-in-law away from the grandchildren, because even rarely-seen, she'd find a way to make them feel 'less than.'

Dear LFTP: husband lost the ability to perform, five years of hurt remarks

• Dear LFTP: what do I do about a husband who lost the ability to perform and turns every remark into a sexual insult?

The second letter: a woman married 35 years says her husband lost the ability to perform sexually five years ago; he turns every remark of hers into one about sex and her feelings are often hurt. The hosts guess he may be dealing with it poorly — embarrassed, angry, humbled — and say he needs friends to tell him plainly that if he's not exercising or eating differently, they don't want to hear the complaints; he needs to be honest about the problem with his wife. The Secular answer says he may be projecting embarrassment and frustration, suggests discussing it with the family physician, and is judged genuinely helpful by the hosts.

Dear LFTP: is it socially acceptable to read a stranger's tattoo?

• Dear LFTP: under what circumstances is it socially acceptable to read a stranger's tattoo?

The third letter asks when it's socially acceptable to read a stranger's tattoo — the writer admires the artwork but sometimes encounters phrases or quotes they want to decipher. The hosts land on asking permission outright, noting tattoos are usually meant to be talked about, and debate whether reading a shirt or hat counts differently. The Secular answer: when in doubt, ask permission before ogling, lest admiration be misconstrued — with location-of-tattoo caveats.

Dear LFTP: landscaping help for a friend who rejects every suggestion

• Dear LFTP: am I in the wrong after offering landscaping help to a friend who rejected every suggestion?

The final letter, flagged as drama: the writer offered a longtime friend help landscaping a tiny area; the friend picked a reluctant landscaper's brain without hiring him, procrastinated for months, then rejected every viable suggestion and said she'd just plant what she originally wanted. The writer snapped that she didn't need his help; she said he'd told her he wouldn't help. The hosts side mostly with the writer — she was underappreciated, the friend sounds like a weasel — but admit he handled it poorly; the remedy offered is a gracious exit: point her to where to look, then let her decide. A hosta-as-yard-toupee comedy detour precedes the Secular answer: you're not in the wrong, no good deed goes unpunished.

Outro: complaint line, rating ask, benediction

The show closes with a plug for the Bob Eisenlauer complaint line — call or text (515) 517-0085 — for personal situations the hosts jokingly disclaim any real counseling authority over, a rating ask ('give it a one or a five... we'll actually read them, unlike the work survey'), and the standard benediction: be faithful in the means, God will handle the ends.