December 20 2010

Opening stocking-hat banter

The show opens with its produced intro music, then the hosts riff on a stocking hat worn on air, compare it to a Smurf hat, and trade quick jokes about the chat room while the studio settles in.

Ben's show intro and tonight's preview

A host introduces himself as Ben, announces that Nathaniel Carson is in the studio, and previews the night's Secular-or-Solomon game along with the Christmas-gift topics to come.

Grandpa's Christmas check for 'three girls'

A host recounts a Christmas quandary: his grandfather sent a $60 check memo'd 'for your three girls,' but the host has only two daughters. Mike got $40 for his two girls, implying $20 per kid, and the hosts debate whether to split the difference, give it away, or take the kids to see the Polar Express in IMAX.

Pants the adopted family member, mic hair, and the lunar eclipse

The hosts note that Pants is 'like the adopted member of our family,' then spend several minutes on a long hair found on a studio microphone, joking about a 'mic check for hair.' The bit closes with lunar-eclipse and rapture jokes, including the line 'Bring on the Jesus.'

Guest interview: Nathaniel Carson introduced

Nathaniel Carson is introduced as a student at Iowa Christian Academy and a sound technician at Pathway Church in Johnston, welcomed to the show, and asked about getting home late from his Walgreens shift the night before.

The Shake Weight and as-seen-on-TV purchases

• Has anyone ever purchased something off the television, or been tempted to and talked out of it?

Nathaniel talks about his Walgreens job, the store's Shake Weight display, and whether he has tried it. A host puts the question to the chat: has anyone ever bought something off the TV, or been tempted to and talked out of it?

Amish friendship bread rant and garbage trucks

A host rails against Amish friendship bread as a gift that is really just a chore, then the conversation drifts to garbage trucks: $70-a-month service, the mechanical claw, mini pickup trucks sent when a pickup is missed, and whether anyone has run their trash over to a neighbor's can.

Walgreens Q&A: toothpaste dispensers, discounts, and the blood-pressure machine

A chat member named Allison bought a suction-cup toothpaste dispenser, sold at Walgreens for about ten dollars. Nathaniel fields rapid-fire Walgreens questions: the 15% employee discount, makeup and vitamins as top sellers, vitamin gum, soda-flavored lip balm, the 'quit your jibber jabber' shirt from his Uncle Joe, the old Osco rivalry, and the store's blood-pressure machine. A camera bit introduces the 'Mike Fan Club.'

Walgreens bathroom lines and workplace service codes

The hosts compare notes on Walgreens bathrooms (one stall, security codes on the door) and trade stories about workplace intercom codes like 'IC3,' joking about customer-service announcements and what the codes really mean.

Emailing corporations: bank deposits and restaurant complaints

• Has anyone ever emailed a corporation seeking to get some kind of change made?

After admitting 'So, I emailed,' the hosts discuss whether anyone has ever emailed a corporation seeking a change, covering an online bank-deposit feature request and restaurant complaint lines, and read chat responses.

The bee in the Bebops burger: a childhood lawsuit plan

A host recounts his childhood scheme to sue Bebops after finding a bee in a hamburger: saving the bee, calling the restaurant, and the plan falling apart on the drive home. The story continues with an offer of the owner's phone number and a note that Bebops once grilled burgers under bridges to feed homeless people.

Protective seals, food safety, and the Tim Cooper callback

A Halloween-candy story leads into food-safety talk about protective seals and tampering, plus a callback to a prior show's Tim Cooper bit and a mention of a friend being defriended on Facebook over hippo drawings and Freud.

Secular or Solomon: thirteen rounds of the proverb game

• Secular or Solomon: is this saying a secular proverb or one of Solomon's proverbs?

The hosts play Secular or Solomon, the game where a saying is read and everyone guesses whether it is a secular proverb or one of Solomon's proverbs. Thirteen rounds cover hard-work sayings, Portuguese and Persian proverbs, a Chinese fish saying, and seven cited Proverbs passages (14:23, 10:12, 16:31, 25:17, 26:7, 22:13, 25:20), with the chat voting and Nathaniel serving as the in-studio tiebreaker.

Caroling for sick children and the staff's response

The hosts recount going caroling for physically ill and disabled children: the staff warned the kids might hurt themselves, the carolers sang off key anyway, and the staffer touring them broke down crying, saying they had no idea what the visit meant. Nathaniel took part with his church band.

Show promos, the newsletter, and the hipster Secular shirt

Mid-show business: livefromthepath.org, the newsletter (and a Tim Cooper correction), the YouTube channel, and Des Moines Amplified. A chat thread about the 'Secular dude's' shirt reveals the hosts pictured the Secular persona as a hipster and found the image by searching that word.

Nathaniel's ten-year, five-year, and one-year plans

• Ten years from now, what is Nathaniel Carson doing with his life?
• What is Nathaniel Carson's one-year plan?

Asked what Nathaniel Carson will be doing ten years from now, he admits he is still working out his five-year plan; pressed on whether the radio show is the five-year goal, he says he will be doing it. His one-year plan: graduate from high school.

The locked in-wall safe, Twinkies, and mock valedictorian speeches

The hosts obsess over a drilled-open in-wall safe found in a concrete basement and what might be inside, detour into whether Twinkies survive forever, then stage mock valedictorian speeches, including one for Nathaniel Carson, valedictorian of the class of 2011.

The fake 3 a.m. time-slot announcement and its reveal

The hosts deliver the night's 'big surprise': the show is supposedly moving to 3:00–6:00 a.m. After letting the chat react with dismay, they reveal the announcement was invented as a newsletter surprise and was never real.

Beatboxing bit

A host proposes 'let's rap for a minute,' and the studio breaks into an impromptu beatboxing exchange, with the chat noting someone had the beatbox going. The bit drifts into a joke about a Scooby-Doo van.

The mock LFTP Christmas album commercial

• What is the best Christmas present you have ever received?

A fake commercial pitches the 'latest hit Christmas album' from the Yule Breakers of Live from the Path, who 'sing over perfectly good Christmas songs' including 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,' offered for the 'excessive price of 58 bucks.' The segment ends by teeing up the best-Christmas-present discussion.

Best Christmas presents: model trains and the candy train

The best-Christmas-present discussion opens with model trains: a host describes rigging a train to circle back every few minutes and the idea of a candy train that dispenses treats, plus Jolly Ranchers snuck into school.

Nathaniel's unicycle and juggling

Asked for his best Christmas present ever, Nathaniel names the year he got a unicycle. The hosts probe whether he can juggle while riding it (no, 'that's hard'), and the conversation expands into juggling technique, pedaling backward, and adding it to the five-year plan.

The We Three Kings Nintendo Bible game

A host recalls the We Three Kings Bible video game, in which players guide the Magi toward Jesus and answer questions along the way, and the studio compares notes on the Nintendo-era Bible game.

Disney World and the worst Christmas gifts

• What is the best gift you have ever given?

The discussion turns from a best present (Disney World) to the night's worst gifts: a shiny socket set, a fish killed by a marker-drawn sign, the Magic Bullet, homemade pesto, and the 'non-committer' gift. A host asks the chat the best gift they have ever given.

Crockpots, the hot-chocolate taste test, tight jeans, and lifetime socks

Household comedy: owning three crockpots and not knowing what to cook in them, a failed plan to bring a crockpot into the studio, a hot-chocolate taste test with a secret ingredient (and a Matt Cassidy roast joke), jeans so tight they dictate wallet placement, and socks with a lifetime warranty that already have a hole worn in them.

Freezing water, the wedding at Cana, and Jesus on John the Baptist

A bit about freezing cold water leads into the wedding at Cana ('that water the wine thing though') and a discussion of alcohol in the Bible, then Jesus' direct comparison of himself with John the Baptist: John came neither drinking nor eating and was called possessed, while Jesus came eating and drinking.

The accidental Teddy Ruxpin profanity clip

The hosts play a clip introduced as a Teddy Ruxpin commercial, but the audio unexpectedly contains profanity. They cut it off, apologize on air, joke that 'at least we pre-screened everything,' and note the file was simply mislabeled. The moment is described here without quoting the explicit audio.

Gifts for Jacob, the chia pet, and Nathaniel's car deal

Back on gifts: Nathaniel bought Jacob an Old Spice pack, someone received a Barack Obama chia pet, and the hosts revisit their promise to Nathaniel — Mike and Ben promised him a car if he got his driver's license, which he plans to do over Christmas break, though the hosts warn the 'vehicle' would be a real pile.

Sign-off and next week's after-Christmas special

The standard LFTP sign-off: the show on Des Moines Amplified, livefromthepath.org, the newsletter, the podcast, the YouTube channel, a Facebook like, and Pathway Church in Johnson, Iowa (services at Wallace Elementary). Next week is the after-Christmas special on 'setting the right expectations,' with a callback joke about moving the church service to 3 a.m.