Dirges

Show open from the Pathway Studios

A produced opening ('Live from the Pathway Studios in Johnston proper') is followed by the live show start, a Monday greeting from the Johnston studio, and a handoff into an opening story.

A visitation at a propane-heated church

A host recounts attending a visitation (for his wife's grandpa's brother) at a newly built rural church and riffs on stewardship of church money: a quarter-mile of concrete driveway and two 500-gallon propane tanks to heat the building. Another host jokes the propane man might tithe from his employer.

Amended tax returns and the IRS payment-plan fee

One host recounts filing an amended return after his wife's missions-trip tax receipt arrived post-filing (paper filing only, 'totally caveman'). Another host was audited over a $5,000 under-reported income from four years back, owes the IRS about $800, and rants about the roughly $180 charge just to set up an online payment plan.

The reversed mortgage payment and fee workarounds

A host describes his mortgage payment getting reversed for a wrong routing number, then the $15 fee to pay with a human on the phone versus free through the automated phone tree. The riff continues to an adoption agency charging 3% for online credit-card payments and the argument that such fees should just be baked into prices.

The six songs at Billy Graham's funeral

• What one song do you definitely want played at your funeral?

Reading a Christianity Today article, a host lists Billy Graham's six chosen funeral songs (Until Then, All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name, Above All performed by Michael W. Smith, Because He Lives by the Gaither Vocal Band, To God Be the Glory led congregationally, and Amazing Grace by bagpipe escort led by pipe major William Betticker) and the worship experts' reactions.

The hosts' own funeral song picks

Addressed by name on-air ('Mike and Dan'), the hosts name the one song each would want at their funeral: 'No Longer Slaves' (because 'we're no longer slaves to fear'), Johnny Cash (joked then walked back), and 'Everywhere I Go' by Tim Timmons. One host wonders what the apostle Paul would say to the question ('who gives a crap?').

Cremation versus burial, headstones, and the rock

The hosts trade funeral logistics: one kept a detailed 'when I die' file in his twenties; they debate cremation versus burial (including the joke of Jesus reassembling a 'heap of ashes' resurrected body), paying off a mother's headstone in installments, and a deceased neighbor's daughter asking for a three-foot engraved rock from the front yard to make a headstone. The bit peaks with a host wanting his remains cast inside a seated bronze statue.

The funeral industry's standard wheel and the Arlington crosses

A host observes that death is the one area where Americans accept a standardized process instead of demanding options ('they're not offering the deluxe option... did you want the bronze cast?'). Another raises an ongoing court effort by atheists to remove cross tombstones at Arlington, calling it childish behavior.

The last funeral pick and 'what would Billy Graham do?'

A host settles on 'Softly and Tenderly' as his funeral song, noting it is more a call to repentance than a death song. The segment closes with a riff on Christian media's flood of Billy Graham hot takes ('what would Billy Graham do'), imagined as Graham asking to be left to rest after a life spent pointing people to Jesus.

Gideon's ephod and the Judges cycle of idolatry

• Why does God's people keep turning from God back to visible idols — and do religions with physical images have an easier time of it?

A host connects the Graham-idolization riff to Gideon, who took earrings from the people, made a golden ephod, and watched everyone worship it. Another describes preaching through Judges: one generation has a personal experience of God, the next hears the stories, and by the third (Judges 2:10, cited as 'one twelve or something') a generation 'did not know God' — the cycle of deliverance and drift repeating.

The search for physical presence in worship

The hosts develop a theory: Christianity has no external idol, and people crave physicality — so they make sacred things of church architecture, massive cathedrals, or the pulpit. The counter-proposal is that the body is how spirituality is expressed and the community of believers is the kingdom of priests, the physical presence of God in the world.

The golden calf: Aaron's craftsmanship and going back to Egypt

A comic-theological deep dive on the golden calf: how Aaron could produce a convincing statue with mobile, rudimentary tools within Moses' forty days on the mountain, whether it was hollow, and the puzzling fact that the Israelites reached back to an Egyptian god after being slaves in Egypt — countered by the reminder that they had asked Pharaoh only to be let go to worship God.

Dear LFTP: the stepson's wedding on the stepmother's birthday

• Is it bad etiquette for a stepson to schedule his wedding on his stepmother's birthday — a slap in the face or no big deal?

A letter-writer, stepmother of eighteen years, is hurt that her stepson scheduled his wedding on her birthday and asks whether it is bad etiquette, a slap in the face, or no big deal. The verdict is unanimous: no big deal, she is overreacting ('the stepson chose the date anyway — you know his wife picked the date'), with Secular's advice read for comic counterpoint ('it is a compliment').

Dear LFTP: the single man's dating-site letter

• What should women write in their dating profiles so a man responds with more than just 'hi'?

A single man writes an open letter asking what makes women on dating sites worth pursuing, complaining that profiles show many photos but little substance. The hosts mostly side against him: the letter's tone repels, a woman's inner life is earned in person ('the price of her inner thoughts is not the login for the dating website'), and real dating means risking rejection face to face.

Dear LFTP: the sister-in-law's cosmetic surgery

• Should I tell my sister-in-law that her cosmetic work is making her look worse, or leave it alone?

A letter-writer asks whether to tell his sister-in-law that her extensive cosmetic work is making her look worse, or leave it alone. The hosts split: one would deliver the blunt truth (joking about telling Ben his hypothetical toupee looks terrible), the other argues blunt truth is usually ineffective and the real issue is self-esteem. Secular's advice — keep your opinion to yourself — is mocked.

Sign-off: be faithful in the means

The episode closes with the show's signature blessing — 'Be faithful in the means. God will handle the ends.' — and a promise to return to the topic of spiritual disciplines in the coming weeks.